Underwear Gate '08: Case Closed

Underware Gate 2008 is officially over.

The manager of Classic Laundry called me this morning (and woke me up) to let me know that they were going to offer $225 for my missing unmentionables.

Only $25 less than what I asked for.

When I went down to pickup my money, the less than friendly woman behind the counter acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.

"Should I call your manager Aaron then?"

Chain of command. Works every time.

I was going to take a picture in my new underwear while I made it rain with these $20 bills, but I gotta leave something for the imagination.

An Update on Underwear Gate '08

An update on Underwear Gate 2008:

After cursing to myself and reflecting on the good times that I had with my boxers, I hit the web in search of new boxers.

I'm as bougie as they come, so I had to settle for a collection of Banana Republic and Abercrombie and Fitch.

Not that I'm too good for Hanes either - Target had four packs for $4.99.

As for the manager of the store, he finally returned my phone call this evening.

Since he caught me in the middle of a nap, I probably wasn't as mean as I should have been.

The guy sounded apologetic, but when I told him I wanted $250 for my pain and nakedness, he said he would have to check with his boss and get back to me by Monday.

My next phone call is to Al Sharpton.

I won't stand for this injustice.

Missing: 20 Pairs of Underwear

I tried to give Harlem the benefit of the doubt.

I tried to overlook the Chinese food restaurants on every corner.

The three questionable men who consistently sit on the hood of my car.

And the fact that I'm forced to shop at Pathmark.

But I'm turning my back on this historic community after Underwear Gate 2008.

I walk down to the local laundromat to pick up my unmentionables and the older black woman behind the counter gives me this troubled look when I hand her my pink slip.

"Uhh .... Marcus, there was a problem with your clothes."

Never the sentence you want to hear when you have handed over three weeks of laundry.

"Someone went into the washing machine and took your load of colored clothes. I'm sorry about that."

It didn't click at first, because when I did do my laundry, I washed my colored boxers with my whites.

Only if Classic Laundry did the same.

I return home to find out that every pair of underwear that I own, except the ones I'm currently wearing, are gone.

Probably laid out on a towel on 125th as we speak.

I feel so naked.